"I Don't Believe You"

Once there was a Seinfeld episode about "merging friends"--how it's disconcerting to have friends from two different areas of your life get to know each other. Right?

Well that's how I feel about Cuisine. I think he's a great guy, and I'm having fun going out with him (and learning a LOT), but I don't have a particular desire to introduce him to my husband and kids--or anyone else in the more mundane areas of my life. I want to remain congruent. If he sees me as a wife and mom, then he'll carry that image of me into the clubs, and somehow I feel like he'll treat me differently.

That has been my mindset.

Last night, though, he said something interesting that sparked a contrary thought in my head. I'm not sure if he planned for it to have the particular effect on me that it did (I wouldn't put it past him!) or whether he was just joking around, but either way I learned a very powerful lesson about human psychology.

We were out late and the metro (subway) was a ways away, so I offered to drive him and Girl Candy to the metro stop.

As we approached my car, I said, "This is my husband's car--of course I would never let my car get like this" (speaking of the piles of trash everywhere). Cuisine then said, "I don't think you have a husband--I think you just made it all up."

We all laughed, and I assured him I did, but suddenly I was possessed with the idea that I needed to prove to him that I am who I say I am. I suddenly thought, "Next time we go out, I'll bring pictures" or "I'll send him a link to my family website"--anything to prove myself.

The notion was so strong that even now I have a hard time shaking it. (I have been told that the need to satisfy curiosity is the strongest motivator in the world, but after experiencing this, I think there might be a tie.)

In retrospect, I realize that "the pull to prove" is actually the ego raising its ugly head. Our ego (our identity, our notion of who we are) feeds on being strengthened, and that strength comes from constantly reaffirming that which it believes to be true. If I hear something that questions that ego--that belief set--then I must rush in to reaffirm it. Otherwise, my whole identity is on unsteady ground.

I suspect that Cuisine knew exactly what he was doing and that he has performed that precise maneuver many times before. After all, what better way to get a girl to do something than to tell her you don't believe her? Want her to kiss you? Tell her you don't believe she's a good kisser. Want her to show up for a date? Tell her you know she's the kind of girl who flakes. (Um...but make sure you're saying it in a fun, high energy way. If your self esteem is so low that you truly believe she won't show up, she probably won't.)

And can we use this "reverse psychology" in business? HECK YEAH!

Want a prospect to show up for an appointment? Teasingly tell them you don't believe they're dependable. Want to ensure that they pay for a product immediately? Jokingly tell them that you know that they don't follow through on commitments.

And what happens when their ego flares up to prove that they are dependable and that they do follow through? Well, it is qualifying at its finest.