Are PUAs Manipulators?

When I first found out about the community, I was fascinated and intrigued. I read everything I could get my hands on--including articles from women who think that the idea of pickup as an art is despicable.

These women believe that the heart of pickup is manipulation.

"It's deplorable," they say, "to learn techniques just to be able to get women into bed." Ad nauseam, they claim the old, worn out cry of "just be yourself" and insist that everything should just happen naturally.

From the beginning, long before I became PUMA, and certainly before I met any of these men personally, I was defending them.

What is wrong with trying to become the best person you can possibly be? What is wrong with learning to become the type of man women find attractive?

I know in my own life, there were many, many men who could have used the techniques that pickup artists teach. They would have been happier and more successful, and women (including myself) would have been happier to be around them.

The people who dismiss and condemn the seduction community fail to acknowledge one very important point: The women PUA's sleep with want and are willing to have sex!

In fact, they hope and dream of having sex. Women dream of men sweeping them off their feet. They dream of being romanced. They want to be attracted to someone who is attracted to them--they want to feel that comfort and connection. They want to trust someone enough to be able to open up and be intimate.

Seducing a woman is not raping her or forcing her to do something that she is not already willing to do under the right circumstances.

Recently I have become fascinated with a little book called The Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. Written in 1913 under the pseudonym of Theron Q. Dumont, this little gem is a fascinating look at the phenomenon of personal magnetism (which any reasonable person has to acknowledge exists), including the art of developing and controlling your own magnetism to the extent that you can influence others.

I have also been reading The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, which was recommended by Cuisine. In it, the author describes different "seducer types," providing historical examples of each. The idea is to read each type and determine which one most closely resembles yourself. Then later sections of the book teach you how to use your natural tendencies to achieve the desired outcome (namely, seduction of your intended "victim").

I discovered that I am a "Charmer"--one who gets their way by making those around them feel good about themselves. As the author predicted, when I came to the chapter, it literally jumped out at me, and to the very core of my being I thought, "Yes, this is me!"

The trouble was that although I immediately recognized that I am a charmer--and indeed I can charm just about anyone and get them to like me (and the tougher the case, the more satisfying it is!), I have never been able to charm someone into doing something--which has been especially frustrating in sales. They may like me, but they still resist me.

This realization had been troubling to me--so much so that I spent the bulk of my time at Knack's birthday party asking other PUAs how to overcome it. Discovering Knowledge gave me some pretty powerful advice (which I'll have to write about in another post), but it didn't resolve the core of the issue.

However, as I have been reading The Art and Science of Personal Magnetism, I realized that I had a conflicting desire that was preventing me from getting my way.

In metaphysics, one of the core beliefs is that we always get what we want. And if what we want is not showing up in our lives, that means we have a conflicting desire, or in other words, there is something (conscious or unconscious) that we want more that what we keep saying we want.

Here's an example. Let's say I want my husband to bring me flowers. I could very well say, "Dan, please buy me some flowers," and in all likelihood he would do it. However, it's not really that I want flowers, it's that I want HIM to WANT to bring me flowers. I want him to do it without me influencing him. So I don't say anything--instead, I just bemoan the fact that he never brings me flowers. My desire for the flowers is cancelled, because my desire for him to have the initiative is stronger.

And this is true in all aspects of my life--including my business. I want my prospects to get started and buy my products because they want to, not because I learned techniques to coerce them into doing so.

Consequently, I have been battling some internal demons about the morality of learning to control your personal energy in order to influence others.

So I spent some time pondering the solution to this problem.

After all, how could I ever become successful in business if I am not willing to learn the techniques I needed to become influential and successful?

And then it came to me.

Yet again, I found my answer in pick up.

What I failed to recognize is that the people that I talk to want to start a business. They want my life. They want what I have! (Who wouldn't?) Just like a women wants sex. In fact, they are hungry for it--they pray for it. But they want the conditions to be just right--they need to feel safe and comfortable.

And whether I want to get laid or paid, it's my job to create those conditions--to be that person they are looking for, to provide that environment that's going to allow them the space and freedom to open up and to finally be able to say...

"Yes! Yes! Oh, yes!"

The Power of Focus

"Man--she was all over you."

"She was?"

"Girl Candy, the woman had her hands between her legs, pressing against her thighs. She was looking for someone to f^%$ and that someone was you."

"Really?"

"So what's your plan? Do you want to take her home?"

"I don't know..."

"Do you want her phone number?"

"Um..."

"Are you going to ask her out? Are you going to take her home? What are you going to do?"

This was the conversation between Girl Candy and Cuisine, his coach.

Girl Candy seemed excited, but confused.

A few minutes earlier he had pulled me over to pivot for him as he approached these two HBs (hot babes). One thing about Girl Candy--he has no fear, none of the approach anxiety that paralyzes so many newbies. But then, Girl Candy isn't exactly a newbie. When Cuisine first told me about him, he said that he is very good, but not a PUA. I had hung out with him twice before, but I had never seen him operate.

Now I understand that he is naturally good with women (attractive and exotic, so that helps, too), but he doesn't know technique. For example, he doesn't know how to use a pivot.

So Girl Candy pulled me over to the bar next to these two girls. We laughed about nothing and he "accidentally" bumped into one of them (good move!). Then in a few minutes, he went over to them and opened the set. At first, they busted his balls pretty well and were quite rude. It didn't phase him and he kept on. Eventually one of the girls turned her back and left the conversation. I stood there like a third wheel.

I kept looking around for Cuisine and tried to think of a reason to leave, but Girl Candy kept bringing me back into the set. The target was still being pretty demanding/rude to him, clearly demonstrating her power. If Girl Candy could put her in her place, he'd be golden, but I was afraid he was just being evasive and failing.

Finally, Cuisine rescued me. He pulled me out of the set and as we stood there he continued to watch them over my shoulder. I told Cuisine I was afraid Girl Candy wasn't doing very well, but Cuisine begged to differ.

"Are you kidding me? She is IOIing him like crazy! Her hands are all over her throat. Now her hands are all over her thighs." It must have started after I got pulled out, because I didn't see any of that--and I pride myself on being good at reading body language (when I pay attention). All I saw was her pushing him around.

But would Girl Candy pull the trigger?

Cuisine took me to another part of the bar where we talked and waited.

Girl Candy finally came over and we debriefed--hence the above conversation between the two of them.

Cuisine kept pushing him--"You could do anything with that girl right now--what do you want to do? What's your goal?"

He didn't know. He didn't even know who his target was when he opened the set, and he certainly didn't have a planned outcome.

He said, "I just want to see how it flows."

That's the difference between a PUA and everyone else. A PUA has a plan. A PUA is focussed. A PUA knows in advance what he's going to do and does it. It doesn't work with every girl (Cuisine later got a major blowout from an attractive Asian girl--I think, like me, he gets a kick out of getting people to smile when they look sour or distracted; unfortunately, her expression of boredom (and disgust?) never changed.), but it works.

A PUA has a system. They follow the system, they leave as little as possible to chance, and they get laid.

Girl Candy, on the other hand, like so many other guys, flies by the seat of his pants--a point that Cuisine would emphasize over and over throughout the course of the evening.

Yesterday, Solid and I listened to a company training call where "Didi"--one of the millionaire leaders that we study--was the guest speaker. She talked about the recent Kentucky Derby and the huge upset of a horse that was the underdog--odds of winning 50 to 1--coming from behind to take the title. Didi talked about having blinders on in our business, just like the horses do. She talked about not looking from side to side and getting distracted by what is going on around you, but just focussing and running straight ahead.

Paul Janka, who we have also been studying, does this very thing, too. As he says, he has "codified" his system, and he applies it with determined focus. He does not leave his encounters to chance. He meets a girl and gets a number within 45 seconds. He texts her and invites her over. When she comes over, everything is prepared for sex--because he does not hope that she will sleep with him, he expects it.

Imagine the power of applying is same focus in our business, instead of leaving things to chance and just "seeing how it flows," as Girl Candy said.

PUAs focus on applying the system over and over and over. As a consequence, they get laid over and over and over.

As we focus on applying our system in the same way, we will get paid over and over and over.

It's practically guaranteed.

"I Don't Believe You"

Once there was a Seinfeld episode about "merging friends"--how it's disconcerting to have friends from two different areas of your life get to know each other. Right?

Well that's how I feel about Cuisine. I think he's a great guy, and I'm having fun going out with him (and learning a LOT), but I don't have a particular desire to introduce him to my husband and kids--or anyone else in the more mundane areas of my life. I want to remain congruent. If he sees me as a wife and mom, then he'll carry that image of me into the clubs, and somehow I feel like he'll treat me differently.

That has been my mindset.

Last night, though, he said something interesting that sparked a contrary thought in my head. I'm not sure if he planned for it to have the particular effect on me that it did (I wouldn't put it past him!) or whether he was just joking around, but either way I learned a very powerful lesson about human psychology.

We were out late and the metro (subway) was a ways away, so I offered to drive him and Girl Candy to the metro stop.

As we approached my car, I said, "This is my husband's car--of course I would never let my car get like this" (speaking of the piles of trash everywhere). Cuisine then said, "I don't think you have a husband--I think you just made it all up."

We all laughed, and I assured him I did, but suddenly I was possessed with the idea that I needed to prove to him that I am who I say I am. I suddenly thought, "Next time we go out, I'll bring pictures" or "I'll send him a link to my family website"--anything to prove myself.

The notion was so strong that even now I have a hard time shaking it. (I have been told that the need to satisfy curiosity is the strongest motivator in the world, but after experiencing this, I think there might be a tie.)

In retrospect, I realize that "the pull to prove" is actually the ego raising its ugly head. Our ego (our identity, our notion of who we are) feeds on being strengthened, and that strength comes from constantly reaffirming that which it believes to be true. If I hear something that questions that ego--that belief set--then I must rush in to reaffirm it. Otherwise, my whole identity is on unsteady ground.

I suspect that Cuisine knew exactly what he was doing and that he has performed that precise maneuver many times before. After all, what better way to get a girl to do something than to tell her you don't believe her? Want her to kiss you? Tell her you don't believe she's a good kisser. Want her to show up for a date? Tell her you know she's the kind of girl who flakes. (Um...but make sure you're saying it in a fun, high energy way. If your self esteem is so low that you truly believe she won't show up, she probably won't.)

And can we use this "reverse psychology" in business? HECK YEAH!

Want a prospect to show up for an appointment? Teasingly tell them you don't believe they're dependable. Want to ensure that they pay for a product immediately? Jokingly tell them that you know that they don't follow through on commitments.

And what happens when their ego flares up to prove that they are dependable and that they do follow through? Well, it is qualifying at its finest.

Quotes from Paul Janka

I haven't read Paul Janka's book yet, but I found a few articles by him and love these two quotes:

Never let one bitchy or unresponsive girl get to you or affect your outlook.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a cool response or flat rejection from a girl only to approach another girl 2 minutes later and hit it off, and be in the back of a cab getting head 15 minutes later. That’s the beauty of being a man – you can always walk away from a situation that has bad energy. My friend says the single most powerful word in the English language for a man is “Next!”

One of the key characteristics of an effective hustler, and I see it in my friends who play the game the best, is an ability to walk away from a negative situation immediately and brush it off, preparing for the next opportunity.

Something we hear all the time, too!

Here's another good one:

There are 3 types of girls around: yes, no and maybe girls

Again, the effective hustlers know how to judge the three types and work accordingly. All guys know the “no” girls. They are sticks in the mud, stand-offish, difficult, Princesses. Any guy who has been laid several times knows this type of girl. He probably has a gut instinct that she’s going to be hard to get in the sack. “Yes” girls, by contrast, are flirty, fun, open with body language and game for anything. They allow you to ask them back to your place with ease. The problems are the “maybe” girls, especially if they are hot.

Even after years of practice, I still can get stuck on these types, but as soon as I recognize the direction we’re going I can make the call. The “maybe” girls are where most guys get hung up spending all their money and time, thinking that they will get her. Careful, gentlemen, you are dealing with pros. Even other women will admit how manipulative a woman can be. Don’t assume you’ll wear here down or trick her. It’s better to walk then to throw more energy at these problem girls.

Ah yes. The maybes. The ones that we feel will pay us, get started, etc. "If only..." We spend soooo much energy and time on them. But Paul's right--and he echoes the leaders, too: SWSWSWN -- "Some Will, Some Won't, Someone's Waiting...Next!"

On our wakeup call this morning the leader was saying (and of course we have heard this before) that our job is just to sort, sort, sort. And that's all. And Dani, of course, has said, "You're not looking for people who are interested--you're looking for people who are qualified."

And, as Solid and I have discovered, the ONLY thing that qualifies someone is the Rage to Master.

Here, by the way, is the link to Paul's article in its entirety:
http://www.growyourgame.com/articles/getting-laid-in-nyc/the-market-place/

Paul Janka on Dr. Phil

As Solid and I were discussing on our call, Cuisine tweeted me yesterday about Paul Janka, and I thought I should check him out. Though many people might see him as unethical, his techniques can be used for good, and we are excited to learn more about them.

Here's the video that's on his website. I'll post more after I know more.

PUMA's Field Report, 5/4

Back on the phones today!

It seems like it has been forever...I just haven't been able to pick up the phone. It's not approach anxiety--I'm not scared of the prospect. Perhaps, as Solid said, I'm afraid of making a mistake in how I play the game. But I think it's a combination of things. Lately, I have been so enamored with how wonderful my life is that I just don't want to do anything but sit around in a quasi-meditative state and soak it up. :o)

But today I woke up and got back to work. Here's what happened:

First, I received a phone call from one of my associates--someone who bought the first level product, but that's all. She informed me that she is excited, stepping up her game, and plans to bring me her two training sales ASAP--as well as buy her next level product this month.

Woo hoo! :o)

We had an interesting conversation--she asked me what was going on with me and, instead of covering it up, I was honest with her. I told her about my struggles with attraction, my counseling session, and my new lease on life. It was awesome.

Next I called all of my "super hot" leads--these are people who visited my website and actually filled out the form. I left a few messages and connected with one guy who didn't remember, but said he was willing to talk for four minutes.

My new script (a combination of Dani, "Didi", and Kim) says, "Now to save us both time, what I'd like to do is spend about 2 or 3 minutes to find out a little bit about you, then I'll spend about 2 or 3 minutes to fill you in on who we are and what we do. Does that sound fair?"

The guy said, "Yeah, sure."

So I said, "OK, tell me when you have a piece of paper and pen." He said, "I don't have a paper and pen." So I said, "OK, then go get one." Then without any pause he said, "OK, I have something to write on." (Though I felt like he was lying.)

So I started into my script. "So NAME, can you tell me a little bit about what you do for a living now and your past experience in the job arena?"

He interrupted me and said, "I don't have a job--I'm unemployed."

I said, "OK, so what about your past experience? What did you do before?"

He said, "Um...(very hesitant)...real estate."

I said, "OK, so what does that mean--you are a real estate agent?"

He said, "Um...yea...an agent." (Again, sounded like he was lying.) Then he said, "So what is this all about? What do you do?"

So I said, "As I said in the beginning, I am going to ask you a few questions to find out about you, then I will tell you about who we are and what we do. So you are a real estate agent?"

He said, "Was--I was a real estate agent. So what is this? Why do you need to know all this?"

I explained again the purpose of the call, find out about you, you and I are going to work together--will we get along?, are you a good fit for the business?, don't want to waste either of our time, etc.

Then I said, "It doesn't sound like we got off on the right foot."

He said, "No," and hung up.

Sheesh! This guy was on MY website requesting information from ME. It's not like I just called him out of the blue! Oh well...next!

That was my last "super hot," so I moved on to the less hot. I had a choice to call the TVOs (telephone verified) or to call the people who had actually visited my website (via a link in an email), but had not filled out the form.

I chose the latter and called a guy who had been on my website just a few hours earlier.

This guy DENIED that he had ever been on my website and denied that he had opened or even received an email (which he said "would have gone in the spam folder anyway, which is where it belongs"). Good grief! So I said, "Are you telling me that you have never requested information about starting your business?" He said, "That's right." So I verified his information and said, "OK, sorry for the confusion."

I followed it up with an email, but I don't know. I don't really understand how that kind of thing can happen. Are they lying? I don't know.

Perhaps these are just our version of "shit tests" and we need to figure out how to deal with them. Hmm...

That's it for now.

The Magnet Story

The following story by Oscar Wilde was orginally told to demonstrate the difference between Free Will and Destiny. Robert Greene, in his book The Art of Seduction, uses it to demonstrate the attractive qualities of Oscar Wilde himself. But I thought it was a powerful insight into something else.

Isn't this what we all strive for in network marketing? To be so magnetic that people can't help but be drawn to us--thinking that it was their idea, when all along we were strategically planting the idea in their heads? Absolutely.

Once upon a time there was a magnet, and in its close neighbourhood lived some steel filings. One day two or three little filings felt a sudden desire to go and visit the magnet, and they began to talk of what a pleasant thing it would be to do. Other filings nearby heard their conversation, and they too became infected with the same desire. Still others joined them, till at last all the filings began to discuss the matter, and more and more their vague desire grew into an impulse.

'Why not go today?' said one of them; but others were of the opinion that it would be better to wait till tomorrow.

Meanwhile, without their having noticed it, they had been involuntarily moving nearer to the magnet, which lay there quite still, apparently taking no heed of them. And so they went on discussing, all the time insensibly drawing nearer to their neighbour. And the more they talked, the more they felt the impulse growing stronger, till the more impatient ones declared that they would go that day, whatever the rest did. Some were heard to say it was their duty to visit the magnet, and that they ought to have gone long ago.

And while they talked they moved always nearer and nearer, without realizing that they had moved. Then at last the impatient ones prevailed, and with one irresistible impulse the whole body cried out 'There is no use waiting. We will go today. We will go now. We will go at once. ' And then in one unanimous mass they swept along, and in another moment were clinging fast to the magnet on every side.

Then the magnet smiled -- for the steel filings had no doubt at all but that they were paying that visit of their own free will.